At a serious crossroads
Dear Blogreaders, I am at a serious crossroads with writing the book The Little Things, the story of my life that proves that anyone can Godwrite™, that life can change on a dime etc.
Years ago I had had supper at the Thai Deli with my friend Dianita who is a psychologist. We were talking about the inner child, and got into family stories, and I told Dianita quite a few from my family. She said I should really write down these stories. Dianita planted a seed.
Heaven Admin watered the seed that Dianita planted. It was he who suggested that I tell the story of my life with purpose. And I have been writing all my family history with gusto.
But you know, as good as the intent is, this morning, as I read over some the family stories I tell, they are so grim, so many are grim, so many are painful stories that I wonder why I would possibly want anyone to read them. What is the point of sharing these stories? I am aghast at some of these stories.
This is the crossroads I'm talking about.
Right now it feels like I might do well to chuck the whole project.
How does what I'm writing uplift? It doesn't. Where is the inspiration in these painful stories? Little or none. And God tells us to get out of the past! -- and here I am dwelling on it.
Maybe it is cathartic for me to write down these stories, yet right now I am not even sure about that.
This morning when I went to read over a few chapters, no matter how well written, no matter how fascinating, I did not want to read them over. Too painful and not meaningful enough.
So now, why am I writing down some of these tales? Why subject others to them? What is the good in anyone's reading them, and why would I even think of sharing them?
On the forum, I would object to anyone's posting some of these stories. I would be the first to say:
This forum is for inspiration and not angst.
Of course, some of the stories do have redeeming love in them, but some of the others -- and now it is the others that I have to question. I have to ask myself what do I think I'm doing. Maybe the book, The Little Things, Before God and After God needs to begin with After God and forget the Before God. The Before God could be pared down to its essence:
There isn't anything in my childhood to even hint at what favor God would shine upon me later.
Yet here I am telling tales and the woeful way I see them. Maybe they are not my stories to tell, like the ones about The Dark Queen you may remember. I have been caught up in this. Why aren't I caught up in writing The Godwriting Book?
Of course, I'm thinking out loud. I'm asking myself these questions and not really asking them of you. Blogreaders, just being able to have you here to write to is a blessing in my life.
Comments
I thought about commenting on your story of Tante Lena, both parts, but my comments would have been that, like all your family stories, I found them important to know but really had nothing to say about them. Yes, they were sad and even a bit depressing, but they were about life on Planet Earth and are part of the big story, who we are, how we got here, where we are going, what goes on along the way.
I always like it when you tell family stories. You don't overdo it, they just come out naturally like you said when you were having supper with a friend. That's how they come across in this blog. Would I buy a book of them and sit down and read it? Somehow I don't think so. If they were all collected in one place online I can't imagine reading thru that either, tho it might be a good way to archive them for anyone who was interested.
To me they are just part of the conversation and they help explain who you are and, maybe more important, aren't. I feel a sort of kinship with all the characters in your family, but my sense of family is not like most people's. I feel more strongly related to you and Santhan than to my own brother and sister.
And in any case, all these stories that you and I could tell each other are apparently just a couple of movies that we had a role in with sequels due out soon. So from my point of view, I hope you keep on telling your family stories here as they occur to you, but I'm not sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the book. A lot of people have a lot of family stories they can tell.
A book on Godwriting seems more important to me, if it comes naturally and isn't forced. I suppose in the end the book could fit on one page, "Just do it!" But people need to know how it works and have their confidence built up that they can do it and have some idea of the varieties of experience that have occurred. Perhaps other Godwriters could contribute a paragraph or chapter on their perspective and cut down on your workload. And an e-book is much easier to do.
But even that is insignificant next to the Heavenletters themselves. A workbook on Godwriting would be nice but it isn't crucial. It isn't crucial to know your life story. It isn't even crucial that we get a new Heavenletter every day, but the world would be a much emptier place without them.
I would even put this blog in second place behind the Heavenletters because if you aren't having some fun along the way, life can be dreary. And if you put walking on the beach in second place and let the blog go because that was all you could handle, it would still be good.
Lists of important things to do are helpful but you need to practice triage with them. Sometimes you have to let stuff go because if you don't, it will drag you down until you can't do what's up at the top of the list. I find in all this that my ego is always ready to handle the triage for me if I let it. On the other hand, sometimes it's important to take your ego out for a good walk.
Beloved Charles,
I tell you I like what you write, and I would love you to have a blog I could read! I would read it eagerly.
I understand very well what you are saying.
I will look up the word triage, for I don't know what it means!
And, yes, what you say about priorities is well-said. I leap to answer emails when there are other matters that must be taken care. I like what you say about walking on the beach.
God bless you, beloved Charles.
Gloria I find this very interesting. I am struggling with the same feelings where my book is concerned.
It occurred to me that much of what I am writing, is sad and full of angst. Here is the thing though. All of those lessons and experiences brought me to where I am today. I would not be who I am, or be as close to God, if I had not had those. And I am conscious of injecting some humour and laughter into the mix. I understand what God means by not dwelling in the past. And certainly, by writing about it, tends to take us back there. It can also be VERY healing and cathartic for us. Perhaps finding the lesson and joy in the end. We can trail along with you... and truly enjoy the rainbow or light at the end of the tunnel.
Your experiences are who you are. They brought you to the Heavenletters place. And we love you for who you are.
Lynda, how dear you are. Yes, you understand. It means a lot to be understood.
There is one thing you say, and everyone seems to say it, and that all the angst brought us to where we are today. I don't grasp that. How did all the angst contribute to the lovely place I find myself in now?
Was it necessary to have the heartbreaks? If that is so, I just don't get it.
It reminds me of an account I read about many many years ago. There were two brothers. Their father was an alcoholic and was somewhat abusive. One brother grew up to be a lawyer. The other brother grew up to be an alcholic.
Someone interviewed the lawyer and asked him how he became a lawyer. He answered: "With my father as he was, I had to make something of myself."
When the other son was interviewed, he was asked what accounted for his being an alcoholic. He answered: "With my father an alcoholic, what else could I be?"
We all make choices, don't we? The alcoholic son could have just as easily taken what he observed and become a counsellor for others with an addiction. He still could. Some of the most inspiring coaches and counsellors have come from a place where they observed another, or experienced addiction themselves. And they have the practical understanding. Not simply theory.
What I mean when I say the angst brought us to where we are, is to say that some of us take those lessons and angst and turn them into loving strength. Gloria, do you know how inspiring you are when you talk about the years before Heavenletters and coming to know God? You give hope to so many in this world. And you ask why did God choose you?
I ask "why" more often than anyone I know. But I chuckle when God talks about letting go of the details. And God choosing you to write Heavenletters is one of those details.
God felt you were the best person for that job.
And why not? You have a true love of the written word. Who better to transcribe?
Before God came to me, dear Lynda, I was not so loving. Maybe sometimes, but sometimes so selfish I shudder.
Did God choose me, or did I choose myself? That's a question I've never been able to answer.
Are we where destiny put us?
Would Godwriting have come to me regardless? If my life had been different, would I still have come to it?
Did God put out a Help Wanted ad, and I saw the ad and I raised my hand?
You make me think of many things to say, Lynda!
There's a little story that goes something like this...
A child asked God, "If our destiny is written down, then why pray?"
God smiled and said, "May be in a few places I have written, 'As you wish!'"
All the phenomena that arise from Mother Nature's womb, like bodies, minds and this world are moved by Her forces.
Many paths lead to the same destination. There are mountain paths that go straight up and there are easier paths that wind around and around the mountain.
Maybe angst is a fire that burns away junk and makes it easier for aspiring mountaineers to climb.
Gloria I believe the answer is both. God made the request, and you answered the call. At some level, you knew this would change your life, and the lives of others.
You could have passed by the want ad. You could have made the decision to ignore the chance, and travel down a different road. My feeling is that we have many opportunities and roads to travel.
You are so often inspired at how Heaven Admin seems to be there at just the right time, or is always willing to do what he can. He understands with compassion. And if you were to ask Santhan, what would he say? He lives his life that way. That is who he has chosen to be. And he answered your call. Think of the chain reaction:))
Dear Lynda and One! This is in the wee hours of Wednesday morning that I write this. I didn't know what to say to you both. Then I just proofed a Heavenletter written on April 25.
The beginning of it may be a response, even when I'm not at all sure that I understand what it's saying:
Do we need to ask if God knows what he is doing?
The train tracks are always there... we just need to hop on and go for a ride.
Much love to you, Gloria.
Returning to the original blog, I offer this perspective:
"...as I read over some the family stories I tell, they are so grim, so many are grim, so many are painful stories that I wonder why I would possibly want anyone to read them. What is the point of sharing these stories? I am aghast at some of these stories.
"This is the crossroads I'm talking about.
"Right now it feels like I might do well to chuck the whole project.
"How does what I'm writing uplift? It doesn't. Where is the inspiration in these painful stories? Little or none. And God tells us to get out of the past! -- and here I am dwelling on it.
"Maybe it is cathartic for me to write down these stories, yet right now I am not even sure about that.
"This morning when I went to read over a few chapters, no matter how well written, no matter how fascinating, I did not want to read them over. Too painful and not meaningful enough.
"So now, why am I writing down some of these tales? Why subject others to them? What is the good in anyone's reading them, and why would I even think of sharing them?"
Friends, I tend to view things as to their USEFULNESS in promoting better, happier, higher. In any story I look for the "redeeming feature", the nobility or strength that lifts one up above the battlefield of life. Life gives us many of those, and when shared, they can help another. Yet there can be other sorts that do not lift up, that do not gleam with the inner light of heart and spirit.
I would share those that uplift and teach by example; I would examine privately those that do not, and reflect on them in context of my personal life. Use that wonderful tool of discernment to see what can profitably be shared.
We do look forward to your stories, Gloria. Decades ago when explaining my love of movies, I would say, "God loves stories, so it is only natural that I do too."
Hi Honey,
So it's my fault that I planted the seed! And you are soul searching now.
I think back when I suggested you write your story because I kept feeling that you were trying to understand yourself, human self and would reflect on the past and I thought if she could just write down the pieces of her puzzle she might see the whole picture and find peace with her humanity. You were struggling to understand personality traits and you needed to understand how your conditioning created your personality. Now it seems you are at a point that you get it, and are getting ready to really dump the past. We can't just dump it until we are ready. Like cleaning out your house and your two other apartments, you hung on to things until you just didn't need them any more. But you did have to sort through it all until you were satisfied. You can do what you are guided with your history and then move on. It is the journey after all and you have researched the relative and found it to be wanting, so plunge fully into your divinity, why waste another second on the past? However if it's fun for you keep going do so until there is no need or joy in it. Love, Dianita
Hi, Dianita! So happy to have you back here and for all that you stimulate. How happy I would be to meet you again at the Thai Deli. You could tell me the same thing, and I would love you for it.
YOur response and other responses lead me to have a lot more to say! I started writing a response to you here. It got so long that I thought I had better make it today's blog entry.
Also, please read the blog entry that is entitled Progress in writing the book which also reveals my further thinking.
Thank you all for your feedback. See you on today's blog! Friday's!
Dianita, what you say here resonates deeply with current and past experiences of mine and I so appreciate how well you have expresed it. "It is the journey after all and you have researched the relative and found it to be wanting, so plunge fully into your divinity, why waste another second on the past? However if it's fun for you keep going do so until there is no need or joy in it."