Convergent and Divergent Styles of Thinking
Even though I spent a lot of my life trying to conform, I haven't been good at it. Often, I didn't see things the way everyone else seemed to. I don't think I was trying to be different, yet I am now also aware that there is a part of me that doesn't want to be like everyone else either.
It's hard to pretend something matters to you when it doesn't. I don't know how people do it, not that I never did it.
It's hard to pretend that something doesn't matter to you when it does matter. That's the position I often found myself in.
Now as I say all this, I wasn't conscious of this. It is in retrospect that I am.
Here's an example of what I mean:
In college, I was a literature major. One aspect of being a literature major is that you do research. I didn't like doing research. I wasn't interested in it. What did I care what someone else thought about an author or book I loved. I wanted to know what I thought. Mostly I didn't know what I thought until I started writing. Absolutely, I wanted to find and express my thoughts and not talk about someone else's thoughts.
I remember doing a term paper on Eugene O'Neill, a playwright I really really liked. And I remember my long report didn't have one reference, not even one foot note, and I got away with it! God bless that teacher who let me be free.
Looking back, I think I had to put my heart where it already was. This is not to say that there weren't plenty of areas in my life where I submerged my heart and my own thoughts and kept hidden what I felt and thought from everyone and myself as well.
Another example of my individuality was in my teaching. I couldn't -- I absolutely couldn't teach school other than the ways that popped into my head. Even after years, I didn't know this to explain it to anyone or even know that I needed to. I just was always astonished when a principal didn't grasp what I was doing enough to value it. [For more about how my teaching was different, see http://www.godwriting.org/godwriting/how-my-teaching-was-different-education.htm ]
I'm pretty sure I told you somewhere about the American Indian Soul Recovery I had which echoed the theme of my having to go my own way.
In brief, the Shaman had a vision of me. I was on ship that was sinking. Everyone was getting off the ship by the same exit onto another ship -- everyone except me. There was a rope strung high across the top of the ship. I reached up to this rope and suspended myself from it. My feet did not reach the floor. Hand over hand, I crossed the length of the ship. And that's how I reached the other ship.
I can only speculate. Was I the only one who saw the rope? I have no idea.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that there are convergent thinkers, and there are divergent thinkers. Now I know which one I am. And where it comes from, I don't know.
Comments
I taught school for a semester in Hawaii. Middle school, all the kids in the school that no one else wanted to teach, the misfits, the failures, the trouble makers, the ones who couldn't sit quietly with their hands folded. I would let them take their shoes off in class with the stipulation that they had to quietly slip them back on if the principal walked in.
The kids and I got along just fine. What bothered me more than anything else was having to prepare lesson plans ahead of time. It was excruciating. Eventually I cobbled together something that sort of looked like what a typical school session is supposed to look like and kept the book open on my desk turned to the current day. I explained to the kids that if the principal walked in that I would be looking in the book to see what I was supposed to be doing and that they should play along as best they could.
There undoubtedly was a better way of handling this but that was the best I could do at the time. Don't know that I would do much better today at devising lesson plans altho there are probably some online somewhere that you can just copy. Part of my job was taking education courses at night school. When I started I thought that I might have matured since my college days and would now be able to deal with the unreality of educational theory.
Not so. It was even worse than I had remembered. I couldn't even make myself finish the course. I eventually quit teaching after my first semester and still regard it as a huge defeat. I believe it was traumatic for the kids I left behind as well. That was forty years ago and I still remember those kids, wish them well in a life that hurt like a too small shoe.
Charles, I know exactly what you mean. My lesson plans had little or nothing to do with what we were actually doing.
I think that was a stroke of genius to let the students take their shoes off.
You appreciated these kids. I will even say you loved them. You gave them respect. And you think of them still, and you have allowed me to love them too.
The kids and the school system missed out on one fine teacher.
There are schools today -- they're called charter schools -- I don't know if they're all good, but my impression is that they are seeking extraordinary teachers like you.
I read somewhere that some schools now use balance balls for the kids to sit on. That would let the kids get rid of some nervous energy and clear their minds.
Did you ever read Summerhill?
I wish we could have taught together.
I never liked school Till I ended up finaly in Nautical college and did a 3 year course in 18 month. I never met teachers like You dear Gloria nor a teacher like you Charles, The teachers I had were very much in line with the trend that exist everywhere in schools we are right and you study what and how we tell you. This changed completely at nautical college wher most teachers were ex seafarers. You were treated as adults by most. I have always been a rebel and still are somewhat although nothing riles me anymorethe only ones that get my goat are politicians. In the meantime I send you ALL heaps of love and strength Love Light and have Fun Jack
Summerhill and even more so Sudbury Valley. I think those are really different.