I am learning

Lynda commented on yesterday's blog: "And those things that bother us - we must have within us, (whether they are presenting or not) to be able to see them in others. And what a beautiful way to heal the person and us. Let the light shine on everyone."

Lynda, you are so right.

I knew I was over-reacting and taking this situation way too hard. I was bent out of shape. Regardless of what the other people had said or done, I was also aware that this was a basic issue of mine, and I was reliving it -- once again.

These recurring issues seem to concern: Promises made and not kept.  People I thought were there for me turning out not to be there for me.  My feelings being disregarded. My being unimportant, unloved, walked over.  An arrangement made and then turned upside down without an apology, with assumptions made, and without asking me what I felt and was this change okay with me. Basically, my issue seems to be: victim mentality. "They done me wrong."

I really don't think I do what I perceive these people as doing. Yet, nevertheless, it is my perception, and why does this situation get to me so much, and why does it recur? There is, indeed, something within me.

Let me tell you the rest of the story since yesterday.

With the help of a friend, I started to see things more clearly.  I was not going to change the people concerned. I was not going to be able to have them see with my eyes. If the arrangement continued, it was going to continue to be disconcerting to me, and I had to end it.

I came to realize that the time for talk was over. Why waste my heart and time hashing it over when it wasn't going to make a difference anyway, and, so, it became clear to me that I had to end the business agreement. And I was going to do it in an email.

Within the middle of my personal Godwriting this morning, with God's blessing, I wrote my email. With God right there with me, I knew I was not going to tell these people how wrong they were, and how right I was. I wasn't going to set them straight on anything. I was going to let them know that I was going to make other arrangements.

As I started to write this email, I found my love for them returning. I began the email: "Dear Friends, " and I meant it. They weren't the enemy any more. I thanked each one truthfully for something in the situation, and said it was just getting complicated and involved for me, and I was sorry I couldn't continue.

As I wrote, I realized that they were were simply misguided.

And God said to me that this is always what it is.

I realize they may even be clueless. It's like they made a spelling error, no more than that.

And I realized I still want to be friends with them which isn't how I had been feeling for a while. I am calling this a miracle!

What the response, if any, will be, I don't know, yet this is already a happy ending for me. Thank You, God.