Insights into myself

How I would love to be a self-sufficient person.  I would go around giving love without asking for it from others. I certainly wouldn't demand it from others. I wouldn't have to have it from others.

A friend was talking yesterday about her relationship with her daughter. Her daughter wasn't always happy with her, and my friend wasn't always happy with the daughter. It seemed that each needed something from the other that they didn't get and maybe couldn't, did get sometimes but not always and not enough. Listening to my friend set off something in me, not at the time, but later when I was alone with my own thoughts.

I remember that God in Heavenletters™ said that "all the troubles of the world come from our not knowing how loved we are." Something like that.

I started to take a look at my own close relationships, past and present.  I recognize three major proponents that I equate with love.  These are the three evidences of love that seem to matter most to me, too much to me:

The person has to show love for me by:

1. Doing things for me (whatever I want, whatever I ask, and even when I don't ask.)

2. Communicating with me (gladly, of course, and  as often and as deeply as I happen to want.)

3. Always sticking up for me no matter what.

I started to realize there is no end to it. Someone could do one hundred wonderful things for me, and I would need the 100 and 1st in order to know that I was loved. It dawned on me that there is never enough proof for me and, in effect, by seeking evidence of love, I set myself up for proof of not being loved, or not being loved enough, just the opposite of what I want.

But what if I could know, truly know, how loved I am, how much God loves me and loves everyone else equally.

I had been sublimely unaware, you understand, and unaware of my need for love to be proven to me. Suddenly, it was obvious.  Maybe that's what insights are, seeing something that was right there yet we simply didn't see it before.

The insights I mention here -- I would have preferred not to have, or not to be true. It turns out I am a demanding person.

God has said many times that no one owes us anything. Apparently, I have thought they do, maybe even owe me everything. Apparently, I have thought that people who mean a great deal to me are here to fill my every need, thus, they constantly have to prove that they love me. I didn't know I was such a harridan.

Am I cured?  I doubt it.  At least I am aware, more aware than I used to be. It is I who has to know how much God loves me and, therefore, I need no proof of love. I am the most loved person in the world, and so are you, so is everyone, so what can there possibly be to fuss about?

I do not have to require anything for me to love and for me to know that I am loved.

I already know that all the words in the world cannot be enough. Nothing on the outside can be enough to know I am deeply truly loved and need no proof of it. All Heavenreaders' love can't do it. All the love my beautiful dogs lavished on me couldn't do it. My daughter, friends etc.

God proves His love to me every day, yet certainly not from God am I to require proof of love.

What is it like for you?

Note: Today I fly to South Africa. Will be back to this blog as soon as I'm connected to the internet. Loving you, Gloria