Sometimes it's not so clear whether we're having an actual spiritual experience, or it's just the mind wandering and painting a picture. I want to tell you about one of those times and an insight that came from it. It should have been an obvious insight, yet I hadn't quite taken it in before.
Then I sensed -- or imagined -- Beings of Light pulling all this these tiny pieces of black crud from my heart. They were like little pieces of black tea. Then, as I fell asleep, I thought: "Oh, good, God has removed all the petty small negative feelings from my heart."
This was a few nights ago, and I didn't think of this again until this moment.
Let me back up a little. I get a lot of spam. I get a lot of spam because if I don't, sometimes there's an email that's real and important that I don't get to see, like a message from a translator, for example. Well, this morning I was deleting spam, and I felt like a boxer hitting his opponent, for I was quite vociferous as I pounded at the keyboard, deleting spam. "Here, take this. Take that. Wham, pow! This is what you get for sending me spam."
There is this one particular spam which I believe is from someone I have had correspondence with. I have written the sender several times asking her to please stop, and the spam keeps right on. Maybe my emails to her have gone into her spam, and she never sees what I have written to her. Of course, I stopped writing to her a long time ago. It's also possible that I'm mixing this spammer up with someone else. I could do that. When I see that name -- and I see it several times a day -- I get annoyed beyond reason.
As I was deleting her spam, I was mentally telling her what I thought, and what I was thinking wasn't very nice. Then I remembered the experience I had the other night, and I pulled myself up short. I said to myself: "Hmm, I thought God had all pettiness moved out from my heart."
Then I remembered something God says in Heavenletters™ and thought:
"If it's my thoughts that cause heated emotions, then I have to get the pettiness out of my thoughts."
There is no way that it makes sense for me to be so hostile about spam. If only I could delete dispassionately, the way I might wipe dust off a table, that would be great progress. I don't hate the dust. I just wipe it off.
I would indeed be happy if I didn't receive spam. I would also be happy if I didn't let spam get to me . It must be that I am angry within, and something like spam then just sets off my own anger. Who am I to blame spam for my anger.
Well, I'm working on it.