Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall
I have had a craving need to be the most adored, to be the teacher’s pet, to be like the prized youngest child in fairy tales. I have always wanted to be favored.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I did have a lot of that growing up. As a young child, I was my father’s favorite. I was my two brothers’ favorite.
I’m sure I wasn’t thinking of my privileged position with my father and brothers as a need then. It just was, yet, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I must have thought that this is how it is supposed to be and has to be, and that I must have it.
But, life, of course, had other plans.
Such a perceived need naturally led to disappointment and competitiveness. This impossible craving meant I had to be the only one! It meant I had to be on the alert in order to keep my position of being the star on the Christmas tree! It was like I was Sleeping Beauty’s wicked stepmother who looked in the mirror to make sure she was still the fairest of all. In my case, it was not to be the fairest of all but to be the most favored of all.
You have to realize that I did not see this need of mine. I certainly wasn’t aware that it consumed me. I would be quite aware when my heart was hurt, and yet I was bewildered by how often I would feel hurt.
Now, of course, I see that it could only be smashed ego that would make me feel this way.
It took me a lifetime to realize the extent of this yearning. Only this year, as a matter of fact, did I wake up to this fact. Slow learner.
God tells us we need nothing, and I agree with Him wholeheartedly – in theory, that is. Yet I have had this overwhelming need to be special, not just to someone, but to everyone!
Did you see the movie Dream Girls? One of the three sisters was the lead singer, and she deserved to be. When she was knocked off her throne, she had my entire sympathy, for she represented me so clearly. Pouting, offended. I see it now.
What happened to the sister in the movie came from a huge event, but, in my case, from tiny insignificant things, I have felt the same hurt.
What made me take a look at this fatal flaw in me? It was such a small thing that made me realize my perceived ownership of what is not owned. I hardly dare tell what this incident was, I am so embarrassed. I don’t want anyone to really know this truth about me, but the time has come. It was such a little incident that spotlighted my smallness, and yet from this little awareness, a light went on, and a painful insight grew.
What this was – this is so hard for me to say – well, here it is:
Quite naturally, a certain senor from South America often addressed me as Senora, and I loved the sound of it even in email. To me, it was like a sweet nickname! Senora, Senora, Senora!
Then one day, it dawned on me that this South American gentleman had to be calling many people Senora! Senora wasn’t my special name. It didn’t belong to me. I didn’t own it! Senora was a generic name. In fact, millions of women the world over are called Senora.
Do you see how ridiculous I am? And yet, when I realized I was one of many, there was a ping in my heart, and this is when I took a hard look at my wildly-overgrown impossible need to be the one and only senora in the world! Heaven help us.
I would like to think that this need was ebbing all the while as God came more and more into my life. Certainly, God tells us clearly that we have no need of anything.
A funny thing is that, with God, I don’t have to be His all-time favorite. With God, I have none of that insecurity whatsoever. On the contrary, we are all special to God, and that is just fine with me. God loves so much that we, including me, can only want His love to be shared. It would be no fun if somehow His love were contained and rationed. The joy would be spoiled if God didn’t love us the same. It is good enough for me that God loves me and everyone.
Even if it were possible for God to love some others more, He wouldn’t – but even if He did single someone out -- I would be just as happy as if it had been me.
Does my realization mean that this insecure ego villain is gone?
Alas, no, it doesn’t. I wish it did, but, it doesn’t. Just yesterday, I had another example. A friend saved a treat for one friend and didn’t for me, and my heart did a tailspin.
So, now you know this shadow side of me, and now I know I have to get over it, and now I ask God with all my heart to help free me from this smallness.
Of course, God can do anything.
Comments
Well Gloria,
I've read this one a couple of times now...I too, have been blessed with Mirror, Mirror on the Wall syndrome...
As I child I, and all of my sibling were children to be seen and not heard...very sad, huh? Why people have children when they have no time for them, is a question I've often pondered upon...I can say that my son, who is almost 23 never had to be afflicted with this syndrome...he has always known beyond a question of any doubt how much I love him and has never had to want for attention...
My parents never said I love you to me until we were going thru' a divorce when I was 16...I say we because, we, as in the whole family, it's not just the parents who get the divorce...everyone and everything that you know is ripped apart from you...
My mom always did things with us kids and I suppose it was her way of showing us she loved us...my father was always busy, "ALWAYS"...my mother did the disciplining, that sometimes was quite harsh, and they [us kids] were always their [your kids, not mine], he would say to my mom...
Now, I can say as I've gotten older my parents changed and thankfully so...my mom and dad both say I love you now to us and have apologized to each of us for the childhood we were given...
We have all forgiven them, but not my sister...who has basically disowned them, especially my mother...
I tell her our parents aren't getting any younger and someday I will call her with that awful news that one or both of them has passed on...which means she can no longer make things right...and that is something we all have to live with...
I had my spiritual awakening a few years ago and my life was changed dramatically, I have gone out and made amends with everyone in my life, even if it meant I had to track them down somewhere...can't begin to tell you how liberating that is and how good it's makes me feel inside...
Well, I know my father loves me in his own way, yet know matter what I do I can never do enough to get his complete approval...and that's ok now...
What matters most is, I'm happy with the woman that I've become and so is my son...he looks up to me and that's what being a parent is all about...
When I sat down to reply to this I didn't think it would turn out to be a novel, but I have found that writing cleanses the soul and perhaps will heal another when they read my words...
I'd like to share a poem I wrote some time ago...
Thank you for Heaven Letters and for letting me share a part of me Gloria...
I love you,
Darlene
Here is my poem...
~ Daddy..."Do you LOVE ME?" ~
Look at me daddy ~ I'm in the tree
Let's play tag ~ come catch me
Dry my tears daddy ~ I've skinned my knee
I'm BUSY now ~ let me BE...
Daddy...I got an A yesterday
and the kids were mean to me in school again today ~
Daddy...Tell me tomorrow it'll be ok
Maybe LATER ~ now go AWAY...
I'm growing up dad ~ do you notice
where the child went ~ that you once had?
GO to your room ~ you're behaving BAD...
I quit school dad ~ will you walk me down the isle?
NO I won't ~ NOT for this lad...
Dad...A child grows inside of me
I have hopes and dreams of his life to be ~
Are you happy for me?
I filed divorce papers today ~
just like you and mom did dad
Does it always hurt this way?
We all have chosen the wrong path
I've tried to reach out ~
in your eyes ~ I'm just a laugh...
I've tried hard to make you smile
to make you proud of me ~
even if only for a little while...
What matters most is I LOVE ME ~
and MY CHILD smiles at the woman I'VE COME TO BE...
For every...Look at me Mommy
I was there to see ~
and he's never had to ask:
~ Mommy..."Do You LOVE ME?"
Copyright © Miss Defy 5-6-2003
Parents can grow up too..."FORGIVENESS is the best "GIFT" you can give someone...
How very beautiful, Gloria! Thank you so much!
But I object. There is no "smallness" in this.
Love you,
Jochen
Dear Gloria,
I agree with Jochem, You are beautiful and as you can see a fault somewhere in yourself, it is so much better then seeing a fault in someone else.Darlene Thank you for your inspiring poem. Sai Baba says " LOVE is for-giving " I have not always been the best behaved person about and done many things I now know were wrong but, and that took a while , I learned to forgive myself.Love you all. Jack
Very candid Gloria, your sharing your craving to be favoured! I honour you for that. The thing is, that most of us have this inclination in some degree, more or less, I myself included.
I had to laugh at your feeling special by beeing addressed as Señora. I had a similar feeling while in South East Asia, beeing addressed as 'Madam'. I know, in the North American continent, a Madam means something you can not be proud of but, for me, it was like they were addressing the Queen of England! It felt sooooo good!
Wait until you are in Argentina, people might call you 'Señorita', they do this out of kindness. You will feel young again!
Dear Darlene,
Your poem is heartwrenching and heartwarming. Beautiful, the combination of the picture with the poem that you posted in "Heavenletters"!
You got it, "What matters most is I LOVE ME ~". You are a beautiful soul!
And..........so is Gloria!
Love,
Xenia
Oh dear Gloria ... what a surprising admission! You, who take such care to make each of us feel so very special. I, too, laugh at the "Senora" thing--but then, it could have been the inflection and affection with which it was said that made the difference. I'm not convinced that that one's way of saying Senora wasn't what made it seem so very special to you. (I think it probably was said to you only in that way.)
I think you're special and you're certainly favored by me! And you pass that feeling on so readily. You feed that child in all of us who crave that need to feel favored. Your blogs about your teaching style shows that you have always done that. No wonder Godde picked you to give Heavenletters.
Darlene--your wonderful poem really brought it home. Thank you for sharing.
Your comments do you proud!
One thing I would like to clarify.
I believe it's only in my personal life that I have had that craving to be singled out. As far as public life goes, I wouldn't mind being anonymous. I had thought about it at the beginning. Then I saw a book by an anonymous author, and I didn't like the secret aspect at all. God is Number One!
A word about the word Senora. Even just written, before I ever heard it spoken, it had a special ring to it!
Oh, well, it is to laugh!
The title Senora is how it sounds in your head when you read it. It Is the Tone that makes the Music. I read an answer not so long ago addressed to you and you where called Senora and it sounded so nice. no wonder you felt special which you are to all of us see you next time Love Jack
Thank you Glorita,
Now I feel like the special one for helping you find your shadow. Isn't it fun to expose the imposter.
Love, Dianita
I could have written this blog entry almost entirely myself, except that I've had this need to please God, to be His all-time favorite. To the extent that I almost got crazy wanting to be His spouse and be loved by Him. I got over it, but whenever I see someone with a special gift, I can feel this jealousy arising. I know it is ridiculous, but I can't seem to be able to avoid it. I know God loves everyone unconditionally and equally.
Maybe this need is due to the fact that I was the seventh of eleven children, and eventhough our parents loved us unconditionally and equally, we always tried to get more of their love and, maybe, be the favorite.
I got an answer to this in Heaven #2597, The Truth about Enlightenment, where God says, 'Seek to enjoy and to give while you walk along your path to enlightenment.In fact, I will go so far as to say to forget yourself.' It was a relief to read these words, and to understand that it's not about me at all. I am free and loved in the flow of the River of Life.
I guess we'll never be completely free of these 'ego drives', while we are still on Earth, but it's certainly a good thing to notice them.
Love, Paula
Dear Paula,
after reading your post, realizing again how well I know these pangs myself, I opened my next Heavenletter (some time ago, I started reading them chronologically) and it happened to be #1986, "What Ruby, What Diamond..." I could only think, Wow, that's exactly what Paula is talking about! -- "All are Myself, and I do not compete with Myself."
Love, Jochen
Jochen, what a lovely thing to do -- to read every Heavenletter, not to miss a one! (And do you know that there are a bunch of Heavenletters before it ever dawned on me to number them?!!) What an amazing quote you found -- a perfect line: "All are Myself, and I do not compete with Myself." I'm going to put that in the next Heaven News.
Paula, you gave me an important insight. I had never thought of the emotion I would feel when I felt left out or demoted as envy. I always saw it as more like forlornness. I never thought of myself as envious, but I see now, of course, it was envy! I suppose that being a person who was forlorn was more acceptable to my ego that being an envious person. Wow, I sure keep learning!
Dianita, what do you make of this! Are we deep thinkers or what!!!
I woke up 4 o'clock this morning and this is what I heard in my mind:
'Of course you are My all-time favorite, because you are Myself and I favor Myself. I love you as Myself, because you ARE Myself. I love you as the One and only, because you are One. We are One. We are. ONE.
P.S. Only now it dawned on me, that it doesn't really matter if I want be God's all-time favorite, because I already am. There is only ONE of us, we are all one, and this ONE IS GOD's all-time favorite. So, not me as a person (whom I can forget all about), but the greater one I am is really God's spouse.
Gloria, what did you do with the non-numbered Heavenletters?
Oh, Paula, God whispered in your ear. What a God! He is filled with such love. He goes beyond. Your Godwriting thrilled me. Very powerful. You had tried to Godwrite before, and now there was no trying, and there it was.
On top of it, you had an unforgettable insight.
I think of Dianita's expression above where she said something about exposing the imposter. Well, Paula, not only are we God's One, with a little variation, we are even the same imposter!
As for the unnumbered Heavenletters, I believe most of them are in the archives that Annette did such a fabulous job with. A lot of the unnumbered ones were personal Godwriting where now Heavenletters are Heavenletters as we know them. I believe it was November 1 1999 or late October when God said He wanted Heavenletters for distribution as they are now with His agenda only.
Back in those days, I wrote by hand in notebooks. I was so without system that I didn't date the notebooks, and there some Heavenletters within the notebooks, that I didn't transcribe. I'm guessing I have about fifty of these notebooks. that I don't know what to do with now.
Paula, welcome to Godwriting Land!
Reply to Paula:
If you go to http://www.heavenarchives.org/ you will see that there are links to the older Heavenletters as well as to the later ones. Probably the older Heavenletters will also eventually be posted at www.heavenletters.org, which is, of course, the main Heavenletter Web site. Gloria is still working on getting titles for those older Heavenletters that originally had no titles, and updating titles where appropriate.
Gloria began giving issue numbers to Heavenletters on November 17, 2000, when God changed the format of Heavenletters from question/answer to just God speaking.
Hope this is helpful.
The Archivist, Annette
After reading all these posts, I have to say, "We Rule!" How delightfully human and how wonderfully Divine we - One - are!