The Attack of the Mosquitoes (previous entry continued)

Right off the bat, let me say that this entry I'm writing now is not exaggerated and is the literal truth as told to me by Lauren, the homeowner. The next morning after receiving the notice about clearing everything off her acre and a half, Lauren, my daughter, called the ominous Department of Public Works. The lady who answered the phone said she would have the man who had left the notice call Lauren back and not to worry, because she, the lady Lauren was speaking to, is the one who actually sends out the work orders. So far so good.

The man did call back, and it was a pretty amazing call.

He said that that a woman had been passing by our house (walking on new required sidewalk, no doubt) and had been attacked by a mosquito or mosquitoes from the bushes. She had called City Hall and made a complaint, and that’s why the man had come out to leave the notice he did.

Note that during this entire phone conversation, the Official Officer of the Department of Public Works was quick with come-backs while Lauren’s responses were preceded with long pauses while she blinked her eyes, swallowed, and tried to let sink in what the man was saying.

Official Officer of Department of Public Works: A woman was attacked by a mosquito in front of your house.

Lauren: [long pause] Are you kidding?

Official Officer of Department of Public Works: No, as I said, a woman passing by your house was attacked by a mosquito.

Lauren: [long pause] My understanding is that mosquitoes come from standing water, not bushes.

Official Officer of Department of Public Works: [With great flourish of authority] I live in the country. I know first hand that mosquitoes come from bushes.

Lauren: [long pause] You’re saying the city can come into my property and make landscaping decisions for me?

Official Officer of Department of Public Works: Ordinance #659 [Kindly] I’ll give you a few days to see what effort you can make.

Lauren has an internet friend who is a landscape designer. This man is from England, and Buckingham Palace has actually had him out for consultations. He said it was easy to fight this. There were plenty of organizations on the internet to cite in defense of our yard.

Lauren also has an internet friend who is a New York lawyer. He said that this was not constitutional.

When Lauren told me this, a quick court room fantasy played through my mind: Geoffrey Feiger would pace the courtroom. The anonymous woman who had made the complaint would be on the witness stand. To protect her anonymity, she would be hooded. Feiger would say clever things like: “I want to see proof of this mosquito or mosquitoes. What were they wearing, what were they saying, was this a mosquito gang?”

Then Lauren told me that her internet lawyer friend made a joke about putting up a Wanted Poster with a photo of a mosquito taken from front and side views.

He later admitted that it was not worth the time and energy to fight.

Lauren said: “Seriously, I shouldn’t be responsible for what a mosquito does? Am I responsible for birds flying over?”

The attorney said sagely: “Someone is letting alleged power go to their head. No one in their right mind should have taken this complaint seriously.”

I emailed Heaven Admin and told him the whole story. He offered to set up an online petition that people could sign.

Lauren and I started to feel strong. We discussed calling back the Official Officer and asking for a copy of the complaint and a copy of the ordinance. We would write a letter to the editor, post a petition, appear before the City Council, and fight this to the hilt.

When we got all that out of our system, I looked up Woon Yin’s phone number, and Lauren called Woon Yin and asked her to come out with her organic landscaping crew and do some token pruning in the front, and the Department of Public Works has not been heard from again.