Where personal growth may come from

The other day in personal Godwriting™, God called me a pet name. How I loved the words, and how I loved that God said them, and said them to me..

I might feel condescended to if someone else called me the words He did that I hold so dear. When it's God Who says them, my heart is nourished and leaps for joy all over the place. And yet I think His words will last me a lifetime or more. So comforting to me is the name God called me by.

However, it would seem that I am still attached to being noted, to being special in someone's eyes, maybe in anyone's eyes, but especially to feeling special in God's eyes. Must be ego. The word that goes with ego is need. Ego need.

Of course, I do appreciate that every one of us is special in God's eyes. I am glad and grateful that that is so. And, yet, there is this junior part of me that wants to think that these words, these exact words, these special words -- He would address to Me only and no one else! As if His words belong to me, and that, for a moment, God singled me out and gave me a pet name, that, for a few moments, made God my private God and no one else's, that He is mine, and I am His, and that is all that is.

This is not Oneness. This is my-ness!

It made me think of when my Earth father called me pet names that were only for me. I held the names tight in my heart and still do. They were for me and no one else.

Oh, how possessive I became of God's special name for me. I do know better. It is one thing to hold God's words precious in Heavenletters™ and quite another to cling onto His words directed to me. How I have to undo attachment, untie it, and know that there is nothing I need hold onto. I suspect that personal growth comes from unwinding and not from adding anything, but rather unwinding, unwinding a scroll that holds a list of perceived needs.

In that play script I wrote for a musical, adapted from an inspired book written over fifty years ago, there is a line in it where Krishna says so simply and clearly:

"There is no mine and thine in Brindaban."

That's another way to express Oneness, isn't it? That's another way of saying we don't own anything. That's another way of saying we have to let go of attachment. Just let it go. We don't own, and, therefore, even on the surface level, we can't lose.

Sometimes I miss the flowers and trees at the old place where I lived, as if they were mine, as if I owned them, as if there aren't plenty of flowers and trees for me now to love in other people's yards, even if the people who live in the houses that go with the yard where beautiful things grow may think they own them.

I know attachment very well. It is a very rigid thing. Maybe I have to know attachment inside out so that I can learn how to let go of it.